It's that time of year again... when people start making (and breaking) their New Year's Resolutions.
If you've tried and failed with resolutions before, maybe you've become a little jaded with the whole she-bang!
I don't make New Year's Resolutions - mainly because they're so... all or nothing. Succeed or fail. Win or lose. They don't leave much room for human nature, willpower wobbles, bad days, bad news, surviving the daily challenges of life... and all this in January, which in the Northern Hemisphere at least, is perhaps one of the most drab and dreary months of the year. Talk about having the odds stacked against us!
In this video, I share:
Watch now and, as always, let me know what you think!
Hop on over to my Instagram feed to leave your comments!
Dawn x
Hi Gorgeous One!
It's me. Your True Purpose. I've been calling you for aaaages. But you're not picking up. Everything ok?
If you've been ignoring a part of you that feels like a calling, or a 'life purpose', one thing's for sure: it's going to keep coming back to remind you it's still there, waiting for you to pick up, and do something about it. And it's going to keep prodding you until you do.
It took me three years of seeing and passing up the opportunity to train in the work I do now. I'd tell myself it was too expensive or maybe that it wouldn't live up to my expectations. Every year the training course came up, and every year I'd pass... until finally, I accepted. One of the best decisions I ever made! The work I do now feels like something I'm meant to be doing, like everything has aligned and slotted into place.
A true purpose doesn't have to be a job or career, though. It could be a place you want to live. A need you've spotted in your community that needs addressing. It could be looking after your grandchildren, doing up a house or painting just for the sheer satisfaction and joy of it.
You'll recognise it as a true purpose, and not just another hobby or interest, because something about doing it, or the prospect of doing it, lights you up on the inside like all your Christmases came at once. It becomes something you simply can't NOT do.
You may be sitting here, reading this, thinking - that's all very well, but I'm not sure I really have a true purpose. Is that right? See above about community, grandchildren, doer-uppers.
Could it be that you're just missing or ignoring the signs?
So, what next? Well, that's my question to you?
What's the one thing - or things? - that light you up and make you feel alive? What one step can you take today to start moving towards and embracing that sense of calling or true purpose?
I've love to know your thoughts. Head over to my Instagram feed and leave a comment.
Sometimes my clients will contact me after a few days of listening to their RTT recording and tell me that it’s not working. I can hear the despair in their voices. Often clients come to me after trying everything else, and when nothing else has worked. So, there’s a lot of expectation and hope invested in RTT being the “thing” that finally fixes their issue.
When this happens, I do what I always do. I reassure them and tell them to persevere and keep listening to their recording for the full 21 days.
21 is not a magic number. Research shows that, on average, it takes 21 days to form new habits. (Incidentally, there's also new research that shows 66 days as the average time it takes to form a new habit. But as RTT works with the subconscious, results are often faster – and that’s why it’s called Rapid.)
This was definitely the case with *Sophie, an attractive successful business-woman in her 50s, who came to see me to help beat her addiction to drinking wine and eating junk food. She told me she would often drink a whole bottle of wine after work and eat bags of crisps while she cooked dinner. She had gained weight and her eating and drinking felt out of control.
Her RTT session uncovered deep-rooted beliefs about her own self-worth and attractiveness, about being lovable and deserving of happiness and love. Over decades she had buried these feelings of not being good enough, in food and drink. She was eating her emotions.
For women especially, so much of our self-worth and self-esteem is tied up with how we look and feel about our bodies. True self care is about understanding that we are all fundamentally lovable and about having a whole new mindset, where food is nourishment not punishment.
In the session we worked to change Sophie's subconscious beliefs about herself. For her recording I focused on the messaging that she would no longer have any cravings for wine or crisps, and that she would be able to look at a bottle of wine and feel completely indifferent.
A few days after her session, Sophie texted to say she didn’t feel the RTT was working. She was still drinking after work, still eating crisps. Christmas was coming up and she felt she was too stressed to carry on. I could hear the despondency in her voice. She had previously told me that RTT was her last resort and she was desperate for help.
I told her not to worry, but to keep listening to her recording anyway, and that I would wait to hear from her when she was ready to book in her follow-up session with me.
Christmas came and went. I thought about her, as I often think about my clients, and hoped all was well.
And then, yesterday, I received this.
“Hi Dawn, sorry it’s been so long. I had a bad run up to Christmas and I didn’t think the therapy had worked. But I’ve now not had a drink or any crisps for 23 days and I’m feeling pretty focused.
It has worked! It has been as you said it would be. No cravings!”
I tell all my clients:
Change with RTT happens in one of three ways:
Change happens once mindset is set to a new direction – and sometimes this can happen in an instant, sometimes over a period of time. But it can and does happen.
*Sarah came to see me in the grip of terrible anxiety which she had suffered for as long as she could remember.
In Sarah’s case her anxiety was very specific. She had a debilitating fear of not being able to find a toilet when she was away from home. If she needed to leave the house, even for short trips, she would plan her route around the locations of the nearest public toilets.
Even before she left the house she would start to feel a sense of panic and dread about not being near a toilet. She would go through a routine of making sure she used the bathroom before she left the house even if she didn’t really need to, and having an emergency kit with her at all times, consisting of toilet paper and an empty bottle “just in case”.
While short journeys were somewhat manageable, long journeys in the car or on a plane or having days out with the family were incredibly difficult. Consumed by anxious thoughts of not being able to find a toilet, Sarah could never relax and enjoy herself. Long trips were punctuated by frequent stops at public restrooms. Traffic delays, getting lost or delayed sent Sarah into a panic, so much so that she would sometimes ask whoever was driving to stop suddenly so she could dash out to find a place to go to the toilet wherever she was.
Needless to say anxiety was ruining her life. She couldn’t enjoy days out with her husband and children. She felt limited by her anxiety to the extent that it was controlling her and her entire life. There was also a deep sense of shame about the anxiety and it was not something she felt safe talking about to many people.
The first thing I knew I needed to do was find out how Sarah’s mind was trying to help her by keeping her in a constant state of anxiety about needing to be near a toilet.
It sounds bizarre to suggest that Sarah’s anxiety may have been trying to help her. But one of the absolute rules of the mind is that our minds are always trying to protect us from harm – but sometimes they do this in really odd and unhelpful ways.
I suspected the roots of Sarah’s issue lay in childhood, most likely related to an incident where she was made to feel shame or guilt about natural bodily functions. So Sarah agreed to have a Rapid Transformational Therapy session with me to see if we could help her break free from the toilet anxiety once and for all.
Even though Sarah was keen to have RTT she was also sceptical. The only incident she could remember regarding being anxious about needing to use the toilet was in her late teens in the car with her boyfriend , when she had to ask him to pull over urgently so she could find somewhere to use the toilet. She remembered a feeling of blind panic and dread crashing down on her. But that was her only memory,
During her RTT session, however, she started to remember scenes from her childhood where she had experienced terrible shame about herself associated with needing to go to the toilet.
The most significant of these was as a four-year old girl, waking up in the middle of the night and needing to use the toilet. To get to the bathroom however she had to walk through a dark house, down a series of corridors, through several doors, past the kitchen. The corridors were dark and, to a four-old’s mind, very scary. She was terrified.
So instead, her little four year old mind came up with a solution. She shared a bedroom with her two younger sisters, one of whom had a potty which sat in the corner of the bedroom. She could use that. Problem solved.
The next day when her mum found that she had used her sister’s potty, she was angry. She screamed: “Why did you do this? That’s disgusting. You dirty girl. I’m so disappointed with you”.
It’s worth stating at this point that Sarah never felt loved by her mother. Her mother was often angry and took it out on Sarah. In a situation where Sarah should have been treated with love and compassion, she was made to feel dirty, disgusting and worthless.
From these scenes it was clear that there was already fear and anxiety associated with using the toilet (having to walk through dark and scary corridors to get to the toilet); and then, added to this, the shame at being called dirty and disgusting about not being able to get to a toilet, but using her sister’s potty instead.
In that moment, Sarah’s mind made a decision, to never put herself in a position where she was made to feel those same terrible feelings of shame and self-disgust ever again. Her mind decided in no uncertain terms: “You have to protect yourself, Sarah. So make sure you are near a toilet at all times. Never let yourself get caught out .”
Now that we knew where the root of the issue was, I helped Sarah change her belief about herself and to see that little four-year old girl through adult eyes. Rather than being dirty and disgusting, she was just a scared little girl, but also incredibly smart and resourceful to find a way to protect herself from being scared of going to the toilet.
We talked about how children have toilet accidents all the time – it’s part of growing up. And how if that had happened to one of her own children she would have responded in a completely different way to her own mother – she would have been understanding and loving. I worked with Sarah to help her feel incredible love and compassion for that little four-year old – and to understand that the event was not her fault.
We changed the belief Sarah had about herself. She is not dirty, nor disgusting, No one would ever tell her so, even if she did have a toilet accident. I also encouraged her to see that unless there is a physical condition present, adults are pretty good at being able to control their bladders. I helped her realise that she is in control of her body including her bladder at all times.
Following the session Sarah listened to her transformation recording for 21 days as instructed. During this time I coached her in specific techniquesto develop new ways of coping with anxious thoughts so that they became less and less troubling.
One week later, I checked in with her to see how she was getting on. There were already signs of improvement. When she was out with her children she felt more relaxed and was no longer thinking about where the nearest toilet was.
Then came a long car journey when the family went on holiday, after which I checked in with her again. And this is what she wrote:
“I never ever thought I would get to this stage! You have truly helped give me a new lease of life. I have broken free from those chains. I was so sceptical about RTT, thinking that it’s something that works for other people but not for me. How I smile at this not being the case. I’ve learnt also to trust in the process. I can’t thank you enough for providing such a safe, non judgemental space for me to dig deep and be totally honest and open about some of my darkest experiences and memories. Not worrying every time I walk out of the door is so refreshing and I know things will only get better and improve even more as time goes by.
What a miracle you have worked on me Dawn. This is something I never thought I would be free of. I can’t thank you enough”.
The following is a transcript from Dawn's talk: How to Change Your Life, at Wellness Wednesday, Tunbridge Wells, on 12th February 2020
Hello, I'm Dawn Quest. I'm a Rapid Transformational Therapist and coach, primarily working with female clients to help transform their lives through change in all aspects of their lives - career, relationships, family, confidence and self esteem and weight loss and body image among others.
Just to give you a little information about Rapid Transformational Therapy. It's a very powerful form of hypnotherapy that can help get rid of any subconscious blocks that are standing in the way of my clients' success and happiness. Time and again I've seen RTT transform my clients' lives in very impactful positive ways. So if you have any questions about RTT do come up and have a chat after my talk.
I'm here tonight to talk about How to Change Your Life.
And I'm assuming, hopefully not wrongly, because you are all sitting here it's because in some way there may be some aspect of your life, big or small, that you want to change or maybe you are ready to take a big step, that big leap of faith and make a major life change - but somehow it feels daunting and overwhelming and frankly downright terrifying - and that is quite understandable.
In the next 15 minutes, I hope to be able to inspire and motivate you to make any changes in your life that you've been considering, maybe for a while now, big or small, and give you some key practical tips to get you started on the path to changing your life for the better.
Maybe you're stuck in a job that at the very least doesn't fulfil you but at the extreme end is causing you stress, anxiety and emotional issues. Maybe you're unhappy in your relationship or relationships and you are trying to make a decision about whether to stay or go. Maybe you feel unhappy with the way you look or feel about your body - maybe you want to get fitter and healthier. Or maybe - and this is true for a lot of people - you don't know what you really really want - but you know you're unhappy, you feel unfulfilled and lacking in purpose, and that there has to be something better for you out there than what you have already.
Whatever the change may be... I am going to talk about what needs to happen first before we can successfully change our lives. Why it's important to understand exactly what is holding you back from making a change - and that could be practical reasons, emotional reasons or most commonly, FEAR. And what to expect when you start making changes in your life - and that can mean self-sabotage but also sabotage from others.
And, I'm going to outline some key steps to get you on the path to making the changes you most want to make that help you feel good about yourself and your life.
The very first change that needs to happen, before you can make any other change or changes in your life, is in your mind. And that means every negative belief, feeling and thought that is keeping you stuck in your current situation needs to be removed, eliminated and replaced with something much more positive, attractive and more powerful.
People make the most dramatic changes in their lives when they suddenly have a wake-up moment where they realise: "That's it, I can't take any more, things have got to change. I have got to change now."
In that split second they know that life has to change and they can't go back to being the old them, in their old life - their minds have suddenly had an upgrade, if you like - just like a phone - and switched to a better more efficient operating system.
Maybe you've even experienced it. Perhaps you know you have been eating badly but it only hits you when you're in a shop and you try on a pair of jeans and you have to go up a size. You think: "Crikey. I need to lay off those Mars bars I've been having every day for the past three months." Maybe that one glass of wine after work to destress has turned into two, maybe three.. and you wake up one morning and you have a hangover and you say to yourself "never again". Or you've had to work overtime once again and you've missed your child's birthday party and the look on their face when you get home is just too much to bear. We all have that moment that is unique and personal to us - it's a breaking point moment.
But, while change happens in a second, what comes before that moment, may be days, weeks months, sometimes years of deliberating; of hoping, wishing, wanting things to be better, for things to change.
In other words, there's a whole lot of "putting up with" we do before we reach our breaking point. We justify the things we are unhappy about in our lives. We're not unreasonable people - we want to help, to be cooperative , we don't want to rock the boat, we want to be liked. Or that classic - what will people think? So we put up with things.
Until, for some of us, the day comes that we don't. And that day is when the discomfort and perhaps fear of change is far less than the discomfort and pain of our current situation.
And that's the secret to change: you need to be able to tell yourself that if the worst happened, your life would still be better off by making that change than what you are currently experiencing.
So, let's say you've got to the point where you know things have to change and you're ready to take action. What then?
So point two:
My question to you is: what has held you back in the past and what is holding you back now from making the change you most want to make?
What usually happens in the lead up to wanting to change our lives, or in the very moment that we make that decision, is our old primitive survival mechanisms kick in and we may start to hear that voice in our head and it's usually saying something negative, like: What if it all goes wrong? What if you fail (again) You'll never change. You tried before, you can't change." And so on. Our minds can come up with many logical and rational reasons for staying where we are and maintaining the status quo.
The trick is to be able to determine whether what is holding you back is real or imagined. And by imagined I mean FEAR. A real and practical reason for not wanting to change jobs may be that you know this year you're going to have some major household bills, so the timing isn't right. But you can work with that. An imagined reason is, something like, "well, no one is going to want to hire me, I'm too old, I'm too qualified. There are no jobs in my industry right now. Best to stay where I am." Those, for the most part, are fear dressed up as reason.
Now fear is a very basic emotion and it's designed to protect us. That's its one and only job. Back when we were cavemen and women, fear kept us alert and prevented us from being eaten by dinosaurs. Fear meant the survival of the species.
These days of course, we have very different dinosaurs to fear. But in most situations in everyday life, the feeling of fear is triggered by an ancient need to survive - far beyond what is real and necessary. In other words, fear may keep us safe, but it also keeps us stuck - and sometimes stuck in the most awful, miserable situations .
So, maybe you are thinking about setting up your own business, but your fear is, "I'll fail, I'll be declared bankrupt, lose my home, lose my family. I'll be that person everyone crosses the road to avoid speaking to out of embarrassment."
Maybe you want to give a talk at a local PTA event on a Wednesday evening, and you're worried that you'll be overcome by nerves or make a huge fool of yourself - or that no one turns up.
How I coach my clients through fear is with this basic exercise: I ask them to think about their worst case scenario - maybe write it down and really go to town on the gory details: the public humiliation the financial ruin, losing friends or alienating loved ones...
And then I ask: what would you do if the worst case scenario happened? And again I get them to describe exactly how they would respond in this situation.
And in every case, my client reels off a list of actions they would take if they ever found themselves in that worst case scenario. And what they realise by listening to themselves speak out loud is that if the worst case scenario happened - they would cope,, they would find a way out of it. And you will too. We are all more capable and resilient than we think.
Another benefit to thinking about worst case scenarios is by rehearsing them ahead of time, the reality never ever pans out as bad. It just never does.
So, examine your fears. Ask if they are real. Ask yourself, if this fear came true how would I handle it and come up with some logical, practical ways you would cope. And then move on.
So, now you're ready to make the change, you've addressed your fears.. and now I am going to point three and give you a warning and it's this: Don't expect everyone to be happy for you.
And that my come as a shock. You may be excited about all of the positive ways you are changing your life and some people will be very supportive. And some people won't. And it may surprise you who isn't supportive. It may be those who are closest to you.
Because while you may have addressed your own fears about the changes you most want to make, you'll be coming up against other people's fears about how you will change. And guess what, their fears aren't real either.
For example, if you decide to lose weight and you start sticking to a healthy meal plan, you may find your friends, who may also be unhappy with their weight, start to try and sabotage your plans by offering you chocolate or cake. And they may not doing it intentionally. It's because if you change and become this slimmer version of yourself, what happens to the, what questions will they need to start asking themselves.
If you decide to give up drinking, you might have friends tell you you're being boring. You may be giving up for serious health reasons - that's not boring. But again, it's because they fear losing a friendship, losing the comfort they had drinking with you. Because you drinking with them validates their drinking - even if they themselves know they're drinking too much.
So expect to feel some resistance. Try if you can to surround yourself with the positive people who support you. That doesn't mean not listening to sensible advice - you don't need yes men, But it's about examining the the motives of those you don't support you. Their resistance may be nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. And remember that those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. If you have to, if you suspect someone might not be supportive, in those early days when you are making positive changes but you feel vulnerable to criticism perhaps, then keep it quiet until you feel strong enough to say what you are doing.
So once, again, there is a free downloadable workbook on my website that outlines an eight step plan - your own personal blueprint for change, if you like. So please do take a look.
To round up, I want to tell you that changing your life may be the most important thing you ever do. In fact, changing your life can save your life. And I don't mean that to sound overly dramatic but I have seen this to be true.
I'm a big fan of the late American poet Mary Oliver. The majority of her poems were about nature, about being outside - they are very reflective and beautiful. And you may already know this quote, it is quite well known. "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life".
Because we sometimes forget don't we? We only have this one life. Most of our days we can easily fill with the mundane - paying bills and making dinner and trying to get kids to do their homework. But we forget - we are all in denial. Life is short. Life is too short and precious. And if you ask anyone at the end of their lives what they regret the most, they will tell you: the biggest regrets are not the things they did do, but the things they didn't - the opportunities they missed, the risks and chances they didn't take, the perseverance to stick to a goal, the people they turned away from.
Life is precious and short - and for that reason alone, don't we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to be the happiest version of ourselves, the best version of ourselves. And that doesn't mean being selfish, or completely disregarding others' feelings - it means being responsible for our own happiness. If you've travelled on a plane, you'll know that the air stewards tell all parents, "if we hit turbulence and the oxygen masks drop down, put your own mask on first before seeing to your children's." And the reason is obvious of course. If you pass out because of a lack of oxygen you'll be of no help to your children whatsoever. So it is in life - if you are struggling with being unhappy or living a life that constantly rubs you up the wrong way - it won't just impact you. You'll be more irritable, more stressed, maybe you'll feel depressed more often than not. Everyone in your immediate circle will feel it too.
A college professor talking to his students, said: "You all have a little bit of wanting to save the world in you. But I want you to know that it's okay if you only save one person, and it's okay if that person is yourself".
Our own happiness, the choices we make for our own happiness can inspire our friends and loved ones and help them do the same.
So I am going to leave you with a last question and it's this: if you know what it is you want to change in your life, ask yourself, what is the very first step I can take right now to change my life for the better and commit to making it.
It is never too late to make a change in your life. In the words of the Chinese proverb: The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
